Being an actor is a vocation. It’s something that I feel I have to do, and I couldn’t possibly imagine doing anything else. I’ve always felt happiest in a rehearsal room or on stage, performing with like-minded people and creating something spectacular together. This has been my life for what feels like forever, and nothing has stood in the way of that passion.
But things can change. Having past the ripe old age of my mid-20’s, my priorities are beginning to adjust. I’m in a happy relationship, and we’ve just got our first flat together. Rented, obviously, as in this profession I doubt I’ll ever be able to afford a deposit on a house. And this is the crucial point; I WANT to be able to afford a deposit on a house. With a garden. And at least two bedrooms. In a nice leafy suburb. Plus a garage. With lots of space and storage facilities. (IKEA is my life.) But I honestly believe this is highly unlikely for the foreseeable future, if not well into the distance as well. Unless I get that elusive ‘big break’ that everyone goes on about and can suddenly command £1 million a film, I am destined to be poor.
Having said that, I am fully aware that there are thousands of people in a much worst situation than myself. I can just about afford my rent, it just means that I have to cut back on other things. However, I will always be able to eat (cheaply), go out every so often (rarely), and buy shoes (the bane of my boyfriend’s life.) But I don’t want to be struggling. I’m tired of checking my bank balance every day worrying about the next direct debit that I’d forgotten about. I want to be able to go on holiday each year, treat myself and my boyfriend to meals out, and be able to by Tesco Finest instead of Tesco Value. I’m not about to abandon Topshop shoes for Christian Louboutins, but I would rather not regress to Primark. Money may not bring you happiness, but unfortunately it makes the world go round, and I’d like to be free of the stress that comes with frugality.
The second but just as important reason that I’m considering a change of career is because acting simply isn’t a challenge. You’re either good at it, or you’re not. I am a fairly intelligent person, and I miss working towards something and getting the rewards. I worked my butt off for my A-Levels and got the grades to prove it, but with acting, if the casting director doesn’t like my face, what can I do? I can’t change my face. Well, I could, but this reverts back to money and we come full circle. Actors are immersed in aspects that are out of our control; luck, being in the right place at the right time, and who you know. No amount of dogged determination brings providence our way. I haven’t lost the desire to perform, but want to be able to achieve my goals at the same time. Having a house and a family are aspirations, and the two don’t mix well with acting.
Besides, I’ve been chasing this dream for a long time now, and I’m starting to get a bit embarrassed when I’m introduced to new people and they ask what I do. I’m an actor, I reply, dreading the inevitable next question; ‘Oh really? What have you been in, anything I’d have seen?’ Erm... no. I always reply, oh mainly stage work, that’s what I love. And I resent the look on their face as they lose interest almost immediately. If I haven’t been in Eastenders, I may as well be a failure! I try not to be affected by these individuals as they don’t understand how difficult it is; however, it would be nice to be able to tell people that I have got a few high-profile roles on my CV.
There are a lot of decisions to make at the moment. Realistically, I should get a ‘proper job’, which will bring with it job satisfaction and hopefully a decent, regular salary, but still continue acting on the side, so if the big break does come along, I can go with it. Therefore, if that big break doesn’t appear until I’m 50, at least I would have accomplished my homely goals in the meantime. Except a huge part of me doesn’t want to nudge acting into second place even for a while. Yes, there are consequences that I have to deal with, but I feel at home on the stage, and would be anxious about regretting my choice to stop chasing the dream. I just have to hope that the dream doesn’t get so far away that I won’t be able to catch up.
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