I'm On A Plain.

This morning I am on a train to Bath for a rehearsal, and whilst singing Nirvana's On A Plain but substituting plain for train and chuckling to myself, I had a thought. I literally cannot wait to start rehearsing. When was the last time I was that excited about something? Well, I booked a holiday last week but that doesn't really count. The play is Shakespeare's Measure for Measure, and I am reprising the roles of Pompey and Juliet from two years ago when we performed in Bath and at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. This was the first play my theatre company produced upon leaving university, and it was one of the happiest times I've had performing. Which is ironic, as having just been dumped by my boyfriend of over two years, I was in a very bad place, so it was a cathartic experience to pour my meteoric emotions into the characters.

I wonder if this is how Kurt Cobain felt when writing Nevermind. All his emotions poured into the songs. Apparently he said about On A Plain that there is no meaning, just follow the uplifting melody and find the answers in your own head. Sure, or it's about heroin. Obviously I am merely speculating, having never met the man I can only go by what I've read. But what's great about his songwriting is that even if you have not experienced what he is singing about, you can feel his emotion and connect to it, relating it to your own life. I could analyse the song until the cows come home, but I take it as finding a rare moment when you feel balanced, even if others disagree, and having the faith to believe in yourself and just go with it, despite that faith perhaps being misplaced at times.

Analysing Shakespeare is just as objective; what we interpret his words to mean now is probably light years away from what he meant when he wrote them, and yet as a company, developing our own take on it was one of the most satisfying parts of the process. Doing this play again just reminds me of what amazing people I have around me, and how proud we all were of what we'd accomplished. Interestingly, from the point of view of a rather glass half empty person, I now only associate Measure for Measure with happy memories. I'm being reunited with something I know and love, which is reassuring as the rest of my life is a bit of a mystery.

As Kurt says, I can't complain.

A Masterclass.

The Theatre Royal Haymarket provides masterclasses with noted people from stage and screen to inspire and help us struggling actors. I previously went to one hosted by Fiona Shaw, and although I found her fascinating and very profound, I also felt rather out of my depth. I was worried this was an indication of a lack of expertise in my field, but upon eavesdropping on various whispered conversations around me, I soon realised that most other people felt the same; she is of the old-school acting elite, and a lot of methods she talked about and her acting style were not truly reflective of actors today, and so I found it difficult to relate. I didn't go to a masterclass for a while after that experience, as I really only learnt that although Ms Shaw is a fantastic actress, her opinions didn't hold my attention for three hours.


Having said that, I have kept an eye out for other masterclasses that would be of more interest to me, and with that in mind, booked myself in to see the stars of director Trevor Nunn's current West End hit, Flare Path; Sheridan Smith and Sienna Miller. As a huge fan of the musical Legally Blonde (despite working front of house at the Savoy for eight months I never got bored of Sheridan's performance or the ridiculously chirpy soundtrack), and an admirer of Sienna's style and grace on screen, these are two women who I am thoroughly excited to learn from.


However, an hour and a half into it, I realised that these two women couldn't actually depart particularly helpful information. This is because both of them have been in constant work since they were 16, and have never struggled for auditions or finding new jobs. In fact, Sienna made a comment about having three or four auditions a week... a week??! A month would be nice! Both women knew the right people, or, as Sheridan admitted, have been extremely lucky. To be in Flare Path they didn't even audition, Trevor Nunn text them both. I mean, when does this happen in normal people's lives??! Still, what I loved about them both is how down to earth they are, and seemed almost nervous about being quizzed by an audience of mainly late teens to mid 20's. It was a fun experience, but it became obvious when audiences started asking questions that it was the two women that were actually out of their depth... albeit in a way that I would like to be.


For example, a question was, what did you do for work when you didn't have an acting job? Sheridan worked in a burger van, but this was when she was 15 and hadn't begun an acting career; once she had begun, it never stopped. Sienna was a waitress, but again this was before she kickstarted her career using her mum's agents, and she said, 'I've been lucky enough not to worry about work between jobs because there's always been a bit of money left from the last one.' A bit of money? Try millions!


Neither of them trained, but are hugely successful, whereas now actors are told if they haven't been to RADA or Central then they won't even get a look in with the good agents, and unfortunately this seems to be true. Sheridan's advice was to get into a play and invite agents to come and watch, and a girl in the audience called out, 'but they don't come!' And again its true, an agent isn't interested unless you have the right credentials already or know someone on the inside. Neither actress knew how to respond to this, as both have never been in that position.


All in all, it was lovely to hear their stories and both of them are incredibly talented individuals, but next time I go to a masterclass, I'm going to go and see someone who struggled for years before their career began, and see what pearls of wisdom I can squeeze out of them. After all, as another huge success, Ethel Barrymore said;


'For an actress to be a success, she must have the face of Venus, the brains of a Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of a Macaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros.'


Looks like I have a long way to go.

A Disaster Waiting To Happen.

Today I had a casting. It was for Sainsburys, which is huge, as it'll be seen on mainstream TV, and if I'm featured I'll be able to pay my rent for a few months (or jet straight off to Majorca). Sounds great? Maybe not. It's for the bathroom and cleaning products section, and I had to wear a swimsuit under my clothes.

A swimsuit?? Now this produces a couple of minor issues. One - on my CV it states I have a slim, athletic figure. Maybe this was true in the distant past but old age and lack of cooking ability have resulted in distinctive wobbly bits. Two - I have so far declined to tell my agent that I have a tattoo below my hip. One that can clearly be seen in the swimsuit. This is mainly because I refuse to do nudity of any kind, but the fact it can also be seen when wearing a swimsuit had slipped my mind.

So I get there, (after applying copious amounts of foundation to said tattoo), wait for an hour (note to self - saying I have a flight to catch is a sure-fire way to jump the queue), and in the meantime other actors are coming out of the studio wearing robes. When I eventually get inside, I do the mandatory ident, profile... and hand shots. Hand shots? This is just a disaster really. I've bitten my nails since I was about 2. Another fact I neglected to mention. This is not boding well.

I am asked to pretend that I have just finished cleaning and collapse onto the chair provided in relief. I do this. The casting director then tells me that's all they need to see. Oh? 'Yes, it's not that we don't like you, we are just looking at different people for different things.' Which basically means that a) they noticed my wobbly bits even through my clothes, or b) were instantly horrified by the state of my fingers and were adamant that they were not suitable for television close-ups. I exit the room in all my clothes, and get looks of sympathy from the guys, and self-satisfied smirks from the girls. One less to compete with, they clearly thought.

Well. You can't win 'em all.

A Senior Moment.

I had one of those recently. It was when I decided I needed a new challenge; something to work towards. Something I could complete, and be proud of myself for what I had achieved.


I decided to apply to run the 2012 London Marathon.


Erm... what exactly possessed me to do this??? When I asked my sister to run it as well, she replied, 'I couldn't run 2 miles, let alone 26.' My sentiments exactly.


I blame my cousin. It's her fault. She gave me this idea to run it with her, and she is asthmatic and diabetic, so if she can do it, then it would be utterly shameful for me to collapse after ten minutes.


So, the next step is a training schedule. I wouldn't say I was particularly unfit, and I'm not lazy, but the idea of putting aside a few hours a day to jog in the wind and rain does not appeal to me at all. I could be doing many other more enjoyable pursuits, such as eating, or catching up with friends, or... well, exercising. Hmm.


To be honest, I am actually looking forward to this. Hopefully I'll be nice and fit for the summer, and exercise does make me feel healthy and happy. The main issue is that in October I will find out if I've succeeded getting through the ballot, and I will be almightily peeved if I've spent four months training for no reason.


My uncle used to run the London Marathon every year, and his best time was 3 hours 30 minutes. My dad ran a half marathon at the age of 61 in two hours. With these accomplishments in mind, my cousin and I are going for a finishing time of 4 hours and 30 minutes. Doable? I think so. With the right mindset, that is.


“If you fail to prepare, prepare to fail.”


Well. Better get training then.

Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things.

I am so glad I am an actor. I spent the bank holiday weekend with my closest friends, involved in research and development for a show we are taking to Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year. I doubt any other profession can play games, make up locations out of sticks and go for experimental walks in the woods all in the name of research. However, I suppose most people also couldn't say they got lost in the woods on a business trip.


We are in the middle of developing an adaptation of Shakespeare's final work, 'The Tempest'. It's a great play, but typically Shakespearian - I had absolutely no idea what is going on. Luckily, the weekend's work helped me out, and as a company we realised that one of the main themes within the play that we all resonate with is the idea of being 'lost'. Whether that's literally (they are lost on the island), emotionally (Miranda is lost without a potential husband) or mentally (Caliban is floundering in his hatred for his situation), we all could relate to this theme in some way.


This speaks volumes about where I am right now, and although perhaps a selfish view, I'm glad I am not alone. It is reassuring to know that my peers and fellow actors are also struggling to find meaning in our mid-20's. It's nice to know I am not going totally mad.


So, after most of the initial debate about themes and ideas that I adore and which would be described by my boyfriend as 'poncey, pretentious waffle', we moved on to actually developing scenes. It is all in the early stages at the moment, but I felt that the weekend was very productive. The foundations have been laid, and rehearsals will continue in August. More about this in later blogs!


Every time I am around this particular group of people I feel completely inspired, and forget all about my money troubles. Then, I get back to London and realise my rent has come out of my account, and I immediately forget about how inspired I am, and panic.


As Prospero says in his epilogue:


Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
What strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint.


Basically, don't get blinded by the fantasy, as the reality doesn't go away. Now there's a wake up call if you ever needed one. Thanks Prospero.

The Things I Do For My Art.

Today I had a casting. It was the first one for a while so I had high hopes for a glossy ad and a healthy pay check. Then I read the details on the breakdown from my agent, and feel slightly deflated. It was an internet viral for the dizzy heights of Whiskers cat food. However, any work is better than no work, and £500 for a day’s filming isn’t to be sniffed at.

So I turn up to the studio just off Oxford Street, and join a group of about seven women, all completely different from myself. After a surprisingly brief wait I get called to the casting room with an older Indian lady in a full sari and subsequent decoration, and do the usual name, age and agent to the camera, plus the required profile shots. Having had a lifelong paranoia regarding the size of my nose, I still maintain that these profile shots are the reason I am poor and unsuccessful. But that’s beside the point.

The theme of the viral is, ‘what if people acted like cats?’ I was aware of this beforehand, so had indulged in minimal feline research and felt that I was well versed on catlike mannerisms. Clearly, my casting partner was not. Cue scene; I sit on a bench, she stalks up to me acting like a cat, and I react accordingly. Now imagine what it would be like playing a victim in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. That is roughly how I felt watching her advance. I don’t know what type of cats she has been affiliated with, but I’m pretty sure they must have been giant angry murderous beasts out to bring death and destruction to all mortals. I tried to pretend that she was acting as a normal, subtle, elegant cat, and managed to wipe the fear from my face. The director called cut, and we swapped roles. I then acted as a significantly more standard cat; arm licking, nuzzling, etc. This was the point when I discovered how intricate a sari is. It moves all over the place! As I was rolling around on her lap, I got completely caught up in it, so when the director called cut, I was officially stuck. After a minute or two and a lot of embarrassed chortling, I freed myself. We thanked the directors, and left.

Needless to say, I doubt I’m going to hear back about this one, despite fantastic cat acting on my part. I can’t help but wonder though, what have I achieved here?? Where are the Shakespearean monologues, the intense Chekhov roles I dreamed about? London has so far brought me yoghurt, and fake cats.

If I ever do become well known within the business, God help me when the ‘before-they-were-famous’ reel appears.

Decisions, Decisions.

Being an actor is a vocation. It’s something that I feel I have to do, and I couldn’t possibly imagine doing anything else. I’ve always felt happiest in a rehearsal room or on stage, performing with like-minded people and creating something spectacular together. This has been my life for what feels like forever, and nothing has stood in the way of that passion.

But things can change. Having past the ripe old age of my mid-20’s, my priorities are beginning to adjust. I’m in a happy relationship, and we’ve just got our first flat together. Rented, obviously, as in this profession I doubt I’ll ever be able to afford a deposit on a house. And this is the crucial point; I WANT to be able to afford a deposit on a house. With a garden. And at least two bedrooms. In a nice leafy suburb. Plus a garage. With lots of space and storage facilities. (IKEA is my life.) But I honestly believe this is highly unlikely for the foreseeable future, if not well into the distance as well. Unless I get that elusive ‘big break’ that everyone goes on about and can suddenly command £1 million a film, I am destined to be poor.

Having said that, I am fully aware that there are thousands of people in a much worst situation than myself. I can just about afford my rent, it just means that I have to cut back on other things. However, I will always be able to eat (cheaply), go out every so often (rarely), and buy shoes (the bane of my boyfriend’s life.) But I don’t want to be struggling. I’m tired of checking my bank balance every day worrying about the next direct debit that I’d forgotten about. I want to be able to go on holiday each year, treat myself and my boyfriend to meals out, and be able to by Tesco Finest instead of Tesco Value. I’m not about to abandon Topshop shoes for Christian Louboutins, but I would rather not regress to Primark. Money may not bring you happiness, but unfortunately it makes the world go round, and I’d like to be free of the stress that comes with frugality.

The second but just as important reason that I’m considering a change of career is because acting simply isn’t a challenge. You’re either good at it, or you’re not. I am a fairly intelligent person, and I miss working towards something and getting the rewards. I worked my butt off for my A-Levels and got the grades to prove it, but with acting, if the casting director doesn’t like my face, what can I do? I can’t change my face. Well, I could, but this reverts back to money and we come full circle. Actors are immersed in aspects that are out of our control; luck, being in the right place at the right time, and who you know. No amount of dogged determination brings providence our way. I haven’t lost the desire to perform, but want to be able to achieve my goals at the same time. Having a house and a family are aspirations, and the two don’t mix well with acting.

Besides, I’ve been chasing this dream for a long time now, and I’m starting to get a bit embarrassed when I’m introduced to new people and they ask what I do. I’m an actor, I reply, dreading the inevitable next question; ‘Oh really? What have you been in, anything I’d have seen?’ Erm... no. I always reply, oh mainly stage work, that’s what I love. And I resent the look on their face as they lose interest almost immediately. If I haven’t been in Eastenders, I may as well be a failure! I try not to be affected by these individuals as they don’t understand how difficult it is; however, it would be nice to be able to tell people that I have got a few high-profile roles on my CV.

There are a lot of decisions to make at the moment. Realistically, I should get a ‘proper job’, which will bring with it job satisfaction and hopefully a decent, regular salary, but still continue acting on the side, so if the big break does come along, I can go with it. Therefore, if that big break doesn’t appear until I’m 50, at least I would have accomplished my homely goals in the meantime. Except a huge part of me doesn’t want to nudge acting into second place even for a while. Yes, there are consequences that I have to deal with, but I feel at home on the stage, and would be anxious about regretting my choice to stop chasing the dream. I just have to hope that the dream doesn’t get so far away that I won’t be able to catch up.

A Mission And A Half To Say The Least.

I've had a bit of a blog break recently, due to a number of factors that all revolve around the same mind-boggling experience; moving house.


Considering that from the moment I moved into my previous flat I'd been counting down the days till I could move out again, you'd think that last Monday would have been a pleasant, joyful day. Well, you'd be wrong. I certainly was. Firstly, for the van I hired I was told I needed a bank statement to prove I had the money to pay for it. It turns out that actually I needed a bank statement for proof of address. As I don't receive paper statements (save the world and all that), I printed one off, which doesn't have my address on. Cue panic for twenty minutes until the boss of the company decides I look trustworthy enough to borrow the van for the day. Phew.


Google Maps is an adequate service. It tells you how to get somewhere, how long its going to take, and how to avoid toll roads. What it doesn't do, however, is tell you which roads should be condemned to traffic hell, and also which boyfriends who do not drive should not be on direction duty. Cue 40 minute journey actually taking two hours, and arriving to meet the inventory clerk in a very flustered state. Besides this, I was fuming as I was directed the wrong way into the congestion zone for all of 30 seconds before doing a u-turn and getting back onto the right road. And yes, that 30 second foray into the centre of London does mean that I have to pay the £10 congestion charge for the entire day.


So the check in is done, half our boxes are sitting in the living room, and we wait to get the keys from the incredibly incompetent letting agent who has been pretty much useless throughout the whole process. We are given one set of keys. Hang on a minute... there are two of us. Where are the other keys? Oh, great question! The last tenent only gave one set back. This was the final straw for my already short patience, and the moment when I physically banged my head against a brick (and plaster) wall. I should have maybe thought this through, as the letting agent didn't seem to understand that my frustration was aimed solely at him, my boyfriend was mortified, and I had an unsightly red mark on my forehead. And no, I didn't feel better afterwards.


Next move; back again through the traffic (slightly different route so only took an hour and a half), took a van load to the boyfriend's parents house, had dinner, and back to the flat to finish the final load. Somehow, by the time we'd finished this it was 10.30pm. Bearing in mind that one person had been by the van all day watching out for potential thieves and even worse, traffic wardens, we thought that at 10.30 at night we'd be safe to leave the van for ten minutes to say goodbye to the old housemate and get the final box. Once again, we thought wrong. Thieves had been thwarted throughout the day but those sneaky traffic wardens will wait and wait until you turn your back for one second and shazamm!!!! I have a £100 penalty charge notice, at 10.37pm. Bearing in mind that the van cost me £29 for the day, and I'm now an extra £110 out of pocket. By this point the trauma of the day became too much, and I reverted to the 5 year old's notion... cry. Very mature I'm sure.


So, journey to new flat, unload van, drive van back to depot, unlock the gates, drive in, leave van. This was the moment that the boyfriend had to prove himself after a lot of driving on my part... he just had to lock the gates behind us with the padlock we'd be given. However, at this point it was half past midnight, and clearly brain cells were fried. He managed to shut the padlock on one gate, without interlocking the other one first. Cue a night of worrying that the depot would get ransacked and we'd have to pay for it. (I got my deposit back the next day so our fears were unfounded, but you can never be too sure.)


All in all, a very long and stressful day. On the upside, our new place looks lovely and we have a balcony, which was perfect for the much needed glass (bottle) of champagne at the end of the day. I think there are going to be many more to come.

The End of the Mini-Challenge

Well. Today was an interesting experience. I have discovered that the way to get unsuspecting victims to agree to mind-numbing work is to lie to them about the benefits involved. Not only is it nigh-on impossible to earn the £300 minimum required in order to get any commission at all, but it is significantly more likely that I could sell my own face than make the £1500 needed to win the holiday. Approximately two hours after realising this fact, the burning desire to win deserted me, only to be replaced with an all-consuming desperation not to be the worst seller of the lot.


However, by the end of the day I ascertained that actually I was significantly better than the other new recruits. Perhaps because most of them spent the day with a face like a smacked arse glaring into their Blackberrys...? A lesson I learnt about myself today during the longest day ever; no matter how horrendous the task at hand, I don't give up. I think half of that is because of my competitive side, and half because secretly I'm a bit of a wuss and am too poor to get fired. Tell you what though, it is exhausting trying so hard to not to fail. As someone once said;


In order to go on living one must try to escape the death involved in perfectionism.


Hear hear.

A Mini-Challenge

One of the main issues with choosing acting as a profession is the utter lack of regular work. Or in my current situation, any work. So in the meantime, as an out of work actor, I need to find something else. Today I got some promotional work at the Ideal Home Show, demonstrating and selling beauty products over the weekend. Promo work is well paid, and always different, so after two years of selling the same product over the phone day in, day out, I'm looking forward to a change, even if only for a short while.


Now, herein lies the challenge. Despite a relatively average basic rate, the amount we actually earn depends on how much we sell. For example, if I sell £300 worth of products, I earn £60, if I sell £500 worth I earn £100 and so on. This already kick starts the competitive side of my nature, but wait! there's more. The record for most products sold is £1500 worth in one day. The incentive is that if any one of us makes over that amount, we get a week's holiday in Mallorca. TAA DAAHHHH the clouds part and the sunbeam of opportunity presents itself. A holiday??? At this point in time I don't think I could possibly yearn for anything more than a holiday. That was it then; as soon as I found that out I couldn't suppress the urge to be the best. So watch this space. Even if I don't win the holiday I still want to be the top sales person. But I do really want the holiday.


As Charlie Sheen would say;


The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.



I know the Alcoholics Anonymous part isn't relevant, but whatever.

An Insight.

So, I am a struggling actor. Well, not really struggling. One cannot struggle when one is not even an actor at the present time. I am an out of work actor. Seriously, that is my profession. It kinda sucks. I am starting this blog to try to make sense of where I want to go. Literally, spiritually, emotionally, yada yada yada. And also because I spend a lot of time thinking up ideas about new things that I want to do, and never actually end up doing them. I enjoy writing, and yet haven't got round to setting up a blog until now. I moved to London over two years ago to pursue my acting career, and aside from one commercial (a blink and you'll miss me moment), three unpaid plays and a whole lot of money wasted on rent, I haven't actually achieved that much.


Last week at work - a truly heinous job that I kept at because of its 'flexibility for out-of-work actors' - I had a minor breakdown. To cut a boring story short, they screwed me over, I cried, and then I left. With hindsight this is probably the best thing that could have happened. I realised that I've just been coasting along hoping that something is going to come up, but I haven't actually been doing anything that I really love, mainly because I have been worrying about my unfortunate financial situation.


Therefore, as of today I am going to try not to worry so much about money, and am going to do more of the things I love. And I'm going to document it.


I love to paint. My masterpieces are never going to win the Turner Prize, but I enjoy them, and feel that I can create some kind of harmony within the colours. It calms me. I've decided to set up a website so the general public can see them, and conduct an experiment of sorts. I'm going to set up PayPal on the site, with a basic rate of the paintings at £20; this covers costs of materials and approximately £3 a hour for my time. Now, the premise of the 'experiment' part is this; Pay What You Think It's Worth. If someone thinks a painting is worth £30, or £50, or even £100 (that would be awesome), then that's what they pay. Currently my thoughts are that most people will pay the least they possibly can, but hey, maybe the public will surprise me. I plan to keep the world posted on any developments in this area. Worst case scenario, no one buys them, but I still get to paint. Nothing to lose!


To conclude for today, this is something of a new beginning for me. As William Shakespeare writes in 'As You Like It';


All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.


Cliched? Perhaps. Screw it, this is my new part.